Top Ten Aliens in Films

Following the thrill of witnessing the landing of the largest man-made object on the surface of Mars and Curiosity’s subsequent fully colour vistas of the Red Planet, the fifteen year old in me can’t help feeling slightly disappointed that there’s not even one Ewok.

As scientists go week at the knees over the discovery of long dead water courses I thought it seemed fitting to look back over earths past visitors and count down the extra-terrestrials we really want Curiosity to find.

So put memories of Indiana Jones 4’s surprise inter-dimensional space beings to one side as we count down the most alien seeming extra-terrestrial creations in cinema to date.

10. Martians (War of the Worlds)

HG Wells’ 1898 original alien incursion deserves a place of special honour. Not only for being my favourite book but, thanks to Earth’s gravity being that much stronger than Mars, the few times we actually see the terrifying invaders they are fantastically stumbling and falling over like drunk aunts at a wedding.

Ok I know War of the Worlds is a book, which is it’s lucky I can call on two fairly unrelated movies to justify Wells’ inclusion. Although the 1953 Martians had very little to do with the book and were fairly lifeless, Steven Spielberg’s 2005 unstoppable Tripods achieved that same sense of Wells’ indomitable technological terror. Spielberg’s also, over the single time we meet an actual Martian, manages to imbue the critters with more character and endearing curiosity in five minutes than Tom Cruise manages to muster over the whole film.

9.Martians Again (Mars Attacks)

Martians part II, Mars Attacks is Tim Burton’s mad version of the world invasion scenario. With infectiously eager, beaming eyes, the laugh of a backwards duck and, accidentally mistranslating declarations of war as: “We come in peace”, makes Tim Burton’s Martians the guys we probably wouldn’t mind being invaded and murdered by.

8. Na’vi

They’re big, blue buggers and they climb trees a lot, although the Na’vi are admittedly just fairly apologetic analogy for Native Americans or a dull impression of Studio Ghibli’s Princess Monoke. They win a place on the list however thanks entirely to Neytiri and her shapely alien legs. I don’t think there were many in the audiences of Avatar who weren’t a little embarrassed by fancying an alien with a tail.

7. Those Aliens Who Lasered the Whitehouse (Independence Day)

Ok, so the Independence Day aliens are fairly uninteresting, they are basically props for American idealism to bang its head against/ Will Smith to punch in the face. But that one classic scene gets them in the list, blowing up the Whitehouse is an act of mad destruction we can all get behind. Although we never really get to know the aliens inside the flying saucer, whoever pressed that laser button: I like your work.

If they wouldn’t mind hovering over to this country whilst you’re at it I’ve got a few ex-bosses your laser would work wonders on.

6. Thomas Jerome Newton

Not the most exotic name for an alien, but Thomas Jerome Newton is David Bowie’s take on extra-terrestrials in The Man Who Fell to Earth. And of course, because it’s Bowie, Newton is the rock and roll alien who loses track of his home-saving mission to become embroiled in a mad world of sex and alcohol.

The Bowie-terrestrial gives us an entirely different view on aliens might look at our planet, as a crazy, sexy, self-destructive alien Bowie.

5. Yoda

Eccentric, wise, has the voice of Fozzie Bear and a lightsaber, Yoda is the first Muppet to make the list. Replacing the killed off Alec Guinness, George Lucas thought his role of Jedi mentor could be filled just as well with a puppet, which I like to think annoyed Mr Guinness. Yoda was the creation of the Muppet’s Jim Henson and voiced by Frank Oz, next time you watch The Empire Strikes Back, try picturing Fozzie Bear, then replace Luke and R2 D2 with Statler and Waldorf: it’s brilliant.

Yoda’s capricious wisdom has undoubtedly become the carnal of morality for just about every eleven year old boy since 1980. Although rather than trying to use force for good I mostly try using it to flick light switches and bring the TV remote closer, never works.

4. The Thing

One of the few winners of the genuinely scary alien category, the Thing is a shape changing intergalactic parasite. Incredible tension is built on the Thing’s ability to take the shape of those it kills and therefore, whilst stranded on an outpost in Antarctica, The Thing becomes an intense thriller of isolation and distrust. That coupled with some psychotic 1982 animatronics that have enough twisted imagery and frantic murderous hate, blows the claustrophobic thriller into an all out wet your pants horror.

You’ll notice the image is of humans, well that’s because the Thing itself is so nightmarishly gruesome, I was too scared to have them sat in my blog. But basically, at any given moment one of these guys could burst into a frantic, twisted and brutally homicidal Thing.

3. Gonzo the Great

Competing with E.T for the place of ‘lonely alien who’s a bit lost on our planet’, Gonzo wins. Instead of being a whiny, tubby, phone calling ball bag who relies on the help of children to escape government clutches, Gonzo just fires himself out of a canon. And if firing himself out of that canon didn’t work the first time: he’ll just bloody well go do it again.

If E.T had shown a little more enthusiasm, or even driven Elliot’s bicycle through a flaming hoop just once, then he might have earned a place on the list, but no. Gonzo’s indomitably optimistic spirit and lust for stunts, coupled with his unerring capacity to make the best out of a bad situation, places Gonzo the Great firmly at the top of what aliens, and people, should all be more like.

2. Chewbacca

Chewbacca is the biggest, hairiest drinking buddy a guy could ask for. It’s Chewbacca’s no shit attitude that makes him effortlessly cool; he’s a big hairy bastard who’ll pull your arm off if he loses at Monopoly, coupled with utter devotion to his carefully selected friends; Chewbacca is the ultimate wingman we all want by our side.

We also all want to be Han Solo, and you know Han Solo is nothing without Chewbacca backing him up. The secret behind Chewie’s feeling of companionship lies in the fact that he was inspired by George Lucas’ own malamute dog (called Indiana) who would sit next to him in his car. So Chewbacca is more than man’s best friend because he can also drive your spaceship home after you’ve had one pint too many.

.      1. Xenomorphs (Alien)

Designed by bat- shit-insane Swiss painter H.R Giger, the Xenomorph of Ridley Scott’s Alien is to me just about the scariest thing to ever burst out of a man’s stomach and wins the top spot every time.

Taking a complete leap away from the classic Wells inspired Martian of most flying saucer invasion movie, the Xenomorph is uniquely animalistic carnivore intent on little more than eating you. It’s the Alien’s lack of motivation, or more single mindless carnivorous obsession that makes it so scary. Alien was the film that convinced me not to become an astronaut because I’m fairly terrified of having my insides eaten out by an incubating alien foetus.

It’s the Xenomorph’s completely thought out lifecycle and incredible design as the perfect intergalactic hunter that somehow make H.R Giger and Scott’s Xenomorph seem equally more alien and more convincingly realistic than any alien before or since. Out of every alien on the list the Xenomorph feels like the most likely to be lurking out there and, when they do find us, we’re doomed.

The Xenomorph wins because they’re the alien who make me want to stop writing lists, curl up in my bed and hope the face-hugger on my ceiling doesn’t notice me.

Much Ado About Something

Prepare to expect something brilliant: Joss Whedon has directed Shakespeare’s Much Ado About Nothing.

One of writing’s best has taken on the master bard. Under a shroud of secrecy, Whedon got his favourite ensemble of stars together and shot Shakespeare’s classic comedy in secret, from his Santa Monica villa over a 12 day period. Well known for his love of Shakespeare and holding readings at his house, Whedon was apparently finally convinced by his wife to get his favourite ensemble of actors together and film the project that has been his personal passion for many years.

This is no flash in the pan Shakespeare re-hash, it’s no drama club’s "Yah, uh, what we’re going to do is set Macbeth on the ‘mean streets’ because that’ll really bring it to the ‘kids’.” Whedon’s vision of the play is, "a deconstruction of the idea of love, which is ironic, since the entire production is a love letter – to the text, to the cast, even to the house it's shot in." Much Ado About Nothing is the product of real passion for the text and years of Shakespearian obsession by Whedon; this film can only be a good thing, if not a great thing.

Produced seemingly off the cuff, without any distribution deals planned, Much Ado About Nothing premiered at the Toronto Film Festival to great acclaim and has immediately been snatched up by Lionsgate for distribution in cinemas for the rest of us to see. It seems Whedon was cleverly betting on the play’s automatic popularity, as well as his own reputation, to garner automatic interest, which it certainly has. It won’t be long before Much Ado About Nothing becomes yet another Whedon cult classic and, with any luck, make English lessons a bit more fun.

Now, if you’re not already a big a fan of Joss Whedon and William Shakespeare as I am then, well...Why the hell not?

Shakespeare: To be or not to be, nuff said.

Although senselessly abused by the drudgery of half a million rubbish English teachers and am-dram Hamlets, Shakespeare’s talent is simply breathtaking when performed well. There’s a reason why people still go mad for his work four hundred years after.

Joss Whedon, a little lesser known as Shakespeare I’ll admit, but still one of the most talented writers of our generation. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dollhouse, Firefly, not the most publicised TV shows to date but each of them a massive game changer in US television. Whedon is acclaimed for masterfully manipulating genuinely creative worlds and infusing them with real human heart; creating powerful ensembles that can hold a story whether rampaging through high speed cowboy-space-ship train robberies (actually happens in Firefly) or just sat around the table eating dinner.  

Oh and there’s also just the little matter of writing and directing Marvel Avengers Assemble, no big deal though.

If anyone in the world can bring the heart, romance and hilarity of Shakespeare’s comedies back from the dead I can’t think of anybody better than Joss Whedon.

Prometheus: Ruining My 2012

For me Prometheus was the most exciting prospect of 2012. I watched Ridley Scott’s original Alien in my room, in the dark, in secret and immediately regretted owning a video machine (it was the nineties). Alien’s primeval predator made me give up astronomy because, although nobody can hear you screaming in space, everyone will know I wet myself. And this was why just the mention of Prometheus sent shivers down my spine and I’ve never been so thrilled to go to the cinema.

Turns out Prometheus is all prey and no predator. It offers a sumptuous space adventure with mystery, exploration and masterfully maintained suspense; but falls short on plot. Audiences are introduced to an awe inspiring and delectably tense world but left feeling confused and frustrated as Prometheus’ story spins wildly into chaos and turns tension into tedium.

The film tells the tale of two Archaeologists (the most exciting scientists) who discover an enigmatic star-map in thousands of art works throughout history: obviously an invitation to visit some intergalactic neighbours. So steps in some shadowy billionaire corporation to fund an expedition into space, aboard the unfortunately named Prometheus, and away goes the thrilling expedition.

The ill-fated ship Prometheus is populated by an excellent cast, each with their own curious agenda. Particularly Michael Fassbender’s android with a chilling disdain of humans, and Charlize Theron’s cold-hearted patron who seems even less human than the robot. What they find are the lost remains of an ancient civilisation, realised with such awe-inspiring beauty that only the great Ridley Scott can achieve. What happened to the original inhabitants nobody can tell, but it was probably bad.

 What follows is a film of stunning visuals and enthralling mystery. Swapping the claustrophobic corridors of Alien’s dilapidated space-junk ship, are epic 3D vistas of wonderfully realised alien ruins. Suspense is masterfully maintained throughout the first half, looming memories of Alien don’t spoil expectations but provide a constant reminder of what’s waiting for our naively intrepid archaeologists. So I spent about the first hour shuffling to the edge of my seat in the complex world of Ridley Scott’s imagination.

 After that halfway mark however I started to suspect things were going wrong. Things began to stop making sense, huge clues became irrelevant and the thrilling threat of doom became the increasing threat of disappointment.

 I started to ask my own questions, like why did that person try to kill that one? Why, instead of hiring an old man to play the old man, did they hire a young man who’s make-up looks like a grandmother’s bum-cheek ? Why did the black goo kill one, turn one into a zombie and impregnate another? And why did those two characters suddenly have sex? And how come all of this has nothing to do with the actual plot?

 Prometheus loses control and all of those questions asked at the start are just forgotten. Like that whole star-map thing, the whole reason they’ve gone half a million miles out into space, is never brought up again. Why the long extinct alien species sent messages to the Cavemen, the Incas and the Inuits doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

It’s not a case of nit-picking plot holes, the plot is completely absent and the result is, as bodies are being flung about the cosmos, I was busy wondering about star maps and all the supposed thrill of the climax flops like a dead fish.

Its great predecessor Alien’s brilliance was in maintaining focus with ideas all branching from the single theme of The Alien; from that trunk all the other branches grew. Prometheus has no focus, instead mysteries and plot devices fall by the wayside of an onslaught of half-baked ideas and the building tension collapses. By the end Prometheus is just a mess, the story has no central trunk and the plethora of disparate MacGuffins end up as cinematic as a pile of dead wood.

The film’s crowbarred in philosophic posturing is as developed as the ramblings of a drunken undergraduate. Slowing down the plot is just one character who (repeatedly) says she still believes in God and basically everyone else is too busy being greedy/creepy/having sex/getting murdered by black goo, to care.

And whilst I’m at it, who calls their exploration vessel “Prometheus”: the most famous parable on the risks of over-reaching our knowledge? Even Frankenstein’s subtitle was the Modern Prometheus. It might as well have been called “Curiosity Killed the Cat”.

           

 Altogether Prometheus is expensively incredible: it’s aesthetic, sinister and excellently performed but missing the most essential ingredient: a story. The result was me downing five pints in a nearby Weatherspoons and ranting to miscellaneous attractive women and bar-staff.

Ridley, if you can’t think of any more film stories then just stop, please stop ruining your old films by revisiting them. And, whatever you do with the rest of your senile existence, DO NOT make Blade Runner 2.

Welcome to a New Age of Blogging

When I say “New Age” I mean it in a similar sense to how the Roman Age was followed by the Dark Age, or if, instead of pudding, the main course of your meal was followed by socks.

           

And the mention of old sock seems like an apt time to introduce your writer: Dai Hill, the most totally bodacious writer/archaeologist in the whole small area of South Wales. Dai is a massive (obsessive) lover of cinema, which is the reason this blog has been created for him to sit on his hill and share some reviews, observations or news about the films he enjoys. Prepare to expect a torrent of brilliant and informative posts regarding the newest/oldest/whatever films Dai is watching at the time.

Oh, and don’t be surprised if he goes off on the odd bender about Shakespeare, Dai is a little passionate about that too.

Although he doesn’t usually talk about himself in the third person, he does make exceptions when introducing himself. On blogs and in social situations; it’s a great way of not making friends.

It's tip if you want to keep humans at arms-length; say, “Hello, this is Me and he is marginally pleased to meet you, depending on how interesting you turn out to be.” And then rant about Shakespeare for half an hour.

So that’s what you can expect from this blog; movies, reviews about movies, thoughts about movies, self-deprecation and the occasional rant about Shakespeare. Now sit up, log on and prepare to expect very little.

All the best,

Dai